The Ultimate Joke Thread

[manu1991]

A competition was recently held to find out
The most embarrassing Moments in people's lives.
The following are the top three finalists:

Third Place

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
Over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my Friends were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and Embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.


Second Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to Grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other Patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I Saw you kissing Daddy's Pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard, as the door closed behind me was the screams of laughter.



And the Winner Is....

This one actually happened at Harvard University . In a biology class,
The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much Statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
Girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
Without a word and walked out of the class.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.

[manu1991]

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having **** she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

[redirection]

wahurhurhur..!!!
i cant believe the girl really asked it in front of the class. disgusting.

and it is really true that semens have glucose levels?

[Quality Clicks]

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having **** she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

Great joke! I have one similar to this at the pearly gates. I will try to remember it and share it with you guys.